he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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