I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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