I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
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