we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I think people are normalizing furries
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
