my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
