my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
