They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
