I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
