You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
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I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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