I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
