I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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