when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize