the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
