just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
