Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
