I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
