Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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