i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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