Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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