I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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