Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize