Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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