my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
