i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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