you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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