Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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