she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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