Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
