When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
