Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
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The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
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Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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