Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
