My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
