i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
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Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Boobs are out for the taking
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
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You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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