I cut my penus on the lid.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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