the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize