she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..