I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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