***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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