I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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