I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I stole a fireplace last night.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
