I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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