erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
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we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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