There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
