i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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