no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
