11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
