i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
