Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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