Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
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Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
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"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair