I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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