My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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