i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
