i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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