before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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